


Ending Notes

by apathys_whore



Series: Black Humor and China White [3]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Author Commentary, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-17
Updated: 2012-08-17
Packaged: 2017-11-12 08:03:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/488569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apathys_whore/pseuds/apathys_whore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Complete author's notes and deleted content from Black Humor and China White series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ending Notes

I would like to start off by saying that I’m like Johnny Truant and Red vs. Blue is my Navidson Record. Bernie Burns is Zampano and I am slowly going mad.

Breaking of the Alpha:

Pretty much every fandom I get involved in the character I like the most ends up being raped. I know, not cool. But it’s hard to help what gets you off. So the second Wash said they tortured the Alpha, my brain was like, “okay, this shit is now cannon. Challenge Accepted.” It took, honestly, like three years to write. One of those years I wasn’t even writing, just thinking about maybe writing. The other two years I would pick up again, and stop after writing like 500 words. I’ll also admit that I’m a really slow writer. I fell into sort of a deep depression and for some reason my outlet became these stories which, honestly, are the only things I feel I’ve ever really completed in my life. I’m twenty and so far this is my magnum opus. I’m not entirely sure but I have the distinct feeling that’s pretty sad. Whatever. Dissociative identity disorder, or better known as multiple personality disorder, is generally the result of severe abuse. In most cases sexual abuse is present. However, one is generally a child when they develop the disorder. I would think that it would take a lot more than one brutal rape session to fracture an adult, maybe for a child as well. But I’m taking artistic license here even though I generally try not to. As to what took place in my fiction, I’d like to apologize to the whole of humanity for making the world just a little bit worse. Probably the hardest part of writing this was actually the beginning. I had no idea how to do an introduction on this. So I figured I’d make it like when you’re in a dream, and you’re really only living in the moment. You don’t remember the beginning, and you just accept the situation. Why doesn’t Church mention he’s an AI? Again, artistic license, bitch. Another thing, don’t feel bad if you laughed at this. I tried to embrace the humors spirit of Red vs. Blue. 

Why go as far as I did? I was unsatisfied with the quality of a lot of guro stories and drawings. It’s not that they’re necessarily bad, it’s just that they seem to go straight for the intestines for some reason. While that’s fine for a finale, I don’t feel that it builds the horror or, if you’re like me, the arousal (sorry, and I‘m also single). Torture should be a bit like a symphony. It should be well coordinated and contain many elements. Some parts are softer, and some are extremely complex. You can’t just have one element and call it quits. While it may be good, one instrument doesn’t make a symphony. I also feel that guro isn’t just going for disfigurement or dismemberment. Again, that’s a good finale, but it’s a bit like watching just the last part of a movie. The Devil is in the details, as they say. So I feel it’s generally a good idea to start small and work your way up as you go along. Half of torture is the anticipation of more torture. If you just have one fatal blow, you never get a chance to experience and savor the power and terror of your victim. For the acts of torture that took place here, they were all original ideas of mine. The closest thing that I’ve ever heard of anything like this actually happening was a man who tied a noose around a little girl’s neck and lowered her up and down while he masturbated. When I heard that, it made me sad. I pretty much have two rules for sex. No children, and don’t rape women. You might ask, “well, Maddie, where does that leave men?” And I’ll tell you, “tied in the basement. For sex.” Don’t worry though, I’m not about to pick up a baseball bat and say, “I’m going to go get a husband.” Mostly because I don’t believe in marriage. I have daddy issues. Shut up.

Back to the story. I feel the beginning is sort of weak, honestly. I think the strongest part is the middle, but I feel that it peters out again at the part with noose. That is the actual way to tie a noose, by the way. I learned it strictly for the purpose of writing, but I did sort of a shitty job at explaining it. I also spent the next month tying my pajama pants draw strings into little nooses. People were not amused. Getting off track again though. I do feel, however, that the story picks up again right at the end with the Director. What was the name of that fucking ship he was on? I can’t for the life of me remember. At certain points I tried to work in a range of emotions. I mentioned logic (Delta) anger (Omega) and the part that wanted to give up. Epsilon. I don’t think I really got as deep into that aspect as I should have. I didn’t put anything to do with Gamma because I don’t really think there’s any way to deceive someone in that situation. And honestly I don’t think deceit is that much of a personality trait. At least for Church, but I could be wrong. 

Originally, I wanted to write more scenarios, but I was honestly too lazy. The only concrete one I could come up with was next he wakes up naked and still all beat to hell from the previous scenario. And he’s in like, a walled encampment and there are these soldiers and a bunch kids and their parents are in a locked, separate section. And the soldiers like, “if you follow our instructions, one of these children will live. If you don’t they all die.” And he has to say which kid has their brains blown out in front of their parents till there’s only one left. That’s the one that’s supposed to live. I never decided if they would just lol and shoot that kid too, shoot the kid then the parents, or not kill the last kid. And then it would transition to another scenario. I also figured if I did that no one would ever want to talk to me again. I’m sorry, that’s a horrible thing and they did horrible things to him!

Whole but Still so Broken:

This is, surprisingly, not as much out of left field as you might think. I forget what season it was, but there was a PSA where they’re pretending to have a presidential election, and the Blues had Church as their candidate. The Reds had Sarge, but duh, that was obvious. Sarge says some really weird shit to make Church look bad, but Church says something along the lines of, “why doesn’t he talk about my drug use? Or my addiction to sex?” So, again, challenge accepted, Mr. Burns. Challenge. Accepted. But I could never really come up with scenario where it wouldn’t be completely AU. Not that I don’t like AUs, but there’s a lot of work making a new world, and that’s why I write fan fiction. All of that is already done for me. I’m lazy. So I came up with the weirdest hypothetical world for RvB yet (I think). I wanted to write both of these stories, but the only way I felt I could really do it was if Washington was involved because he‘s really the only character who I could see as having a motive to go after Church. Aside from Caboose or Tex maybe. Don’t get me wrong, I love Caboose, but he’s like a little kid and as I mentioned before I’m not into kids. And it wouldn’t really work out with Tex because it would be a super sort story with like, only one third the angst. It would go something like, “Church, WTF are you doing? Get your stupid whore ass over here and stop doing drugs.” And he would do as she tells him but still bitch about it because he’s crazy in love with her. So I decided to have this weird AU world where this goes on. But I’d like to apologize to prostitutes. Most prostitutes hate their job and end up with post traumatic stress disorder from it. They don’t become whores because they absolutely love fucking all types of mostly creepy men who want to do weird shit to them. But, Church said he had a sex addiction, so I ran with it. And I’m going to be honest, my main motivation for this was sex. Like my motivation for everything is. But the odd thing is that the hardest part to write for me was the sex. I sort of lost interest in that part and wanted to focus solely on the angst. I feel that I was sort of pandering to the masses by adding a sex scene, and honestly I was. How many of you don’t read fan fiction that doesn’t have sex? I tend to go for the M rated stuff first, see if the sex is good, and then actually read the story. And when that’s gone I filter though the T rated section. I don’t read anything lower than that unless it’s like amazingly written. What can I say, I’m shallow. Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “hey, wouldn’t he absolutely despise sex after all the horrible things you did to him?” And I’d say two things to you. One of them is that I have a friend and we talk about sex and masturbation all the time. But one time she told me that she was raped and that was how she lost her virginity. Needless to say I felt bad about making so many jokes about wanting to rape men. She said it was okay though. But I figured if she can enjoy a healthy sex life, other victims can too. She says sometimes she has flash backs, but I didn’t want to pry. The second thing I would say is artistic license. Again. 

About the butt sex. I googled the hell out of it, so I guess I’m an unofficial expert now. Because reading about something from dodgy sources online is the best way to learn anything. Ever, Also I watch a lot of gay porn. A lot. A bunch of people said they liked Astroglide because other stuff dries up too fast in your butt and then it’s not fun, just ouchie. So I ran with that. I guess the lining of your rectum absorbs water, so some people prefer to use silicone bases lubes as opposed to water basted. But then you have to clean it out when you’re done or something, unlike water based lubes. I think Astroglide is water based so you’re supposed to use a lot more than silicone based ones though but whatever. Also, if you google what does the inside of a butt feel like, you get a lot of weird stuff. But I found enough info to feel that it’s at least a little accurate. 

As for heroin… I have a sick fascination with it. I’ve never done it because I come from a long line of addicts and I have an addictive personality with a very lazy and hedonistic outlook. And I never really saw Church as someone who would want to take uppers. I can see why some of the reasons I gave might be sort of contradictory. I go through battles with severe clinical depression, so I have had my fair share of suicidal thoughts. I’ve never tired to act on any though. I really don’t want to end up in a mental ward. There’s no porn there. But there were a few times I’ve done stupid shit while I was depressed. One of them was chug cough syrup. Like, four times. When you’re severely depressed, you don’t really care about life anymore. You don’t necessarily want to die, but you’re not so sure you want to live anymore either. And getting high on stuff helps. I remember such an intense feeling of relief that I wasn’t sad anymore, that I didn’t hate everyone and everything anymore. I was happy for the first time in like six months. But then we ran out of cough syrup and I was depressed again. Another thing that I struggle with when I’m coming out of a severe state of depression is an incapacitating fear of death. I’m an atheist, so I don’t believe in any sort of afterlife. Just nothing forever. And that scares the shit out of me. When I wrote that weird passage about death I’m pretty sure I was high because I had been thinking about dying and the fear is so large, that I took a klonopin (a benzodiazepine that’s given to people with extreme anxiety disorders). And admittedly, it gets me sort of high and calms me down. Sometimes I want to take more than one but I did that once and ended up sending a weird almost drunken email to my BFF/cousin about how I hated/loved her and that she was abandoning me and that I didn‘t need her anymore anyway. I don’t really remember what I said, or why I did it. So I didn’t do that again. Basically what I’m saying is that when you’re fucked up you do weird, contradictory shit that doesn’t make sense to normal people. Like fear death so much that you end up doing potentially fatal things. You can OD on klonopin. I remember that the clinic that I go to to see my psychiatrist had a patient who overdosed on that shit and they made a new rule that you can’t prescribe more than like, two milligrams, I believe it was. It’s powerful stuff. As for the part about Church’s hatred for everything being another big reason why he uses, I don’t think that one is as artistically good as the one I wrote when I was high, but probably more accurate to his character. I thought about taking the death thing out but I thought it was pretty so I kept it.

By the way, is three grams of heroin a lot to have? I just pulled that one out of my ass. I googled that and I really couldn’t get a definitive answer. I also couldn’t find any real info on how much heroin costs around Chicago. Everything in a city takes place for me is in Chicago because I grew up around there and I love the place. I still live in the area, and a lot of the people in the town I’m in do heroin. Like, half of them. But I’m practically a hermit so I don’t talk to any of them. I don’t get along with people. The only thing I was really able to come up with about heroin was a user who talked about how to mainline it. Which was good because I’d only ever seen Trainspotting and I wasn’t sure how accurate that was. He said something about filtering in through cotton balls because no matter what kind of water you use there’s always going to be impurities in it and I guess that hurts when you shoot up. He didn’t really say how you use a cotton ball to filter it so I just sort of vaguely touched on that. He could have been making the shit up, I don’t know. If there are any users reading this feel free to tell me how the whole thing works and I’ll gladly change it to accurately fit. And I won’t judge you or list you as a source. Promise.

This next part is a deleted scene. I thought it made the whole thing a little too romantic on Church’s part and I was going more with a, “fuck me then leave me alone I honestly don’t give a shit about you.” sort of thing with him. I’m sharing it because it mentions Tex and I thought that part was sweet and sad. 

He realized what it was between them. At least on his part, anyway. He had no fucking idea what was on Washington's mind. It was an odd time to realize it, he knew. But he'd been fucked so may times (literally and figuratively) he had gotten good at thinking during the act; even if he wasn't trying to. He didn't necessarily love Wash. Not like he loved Tex anyway. It wasn't romantic, or soul sucking, heart brakingly bitter, angry, jealous, possessive, and obsessive. But Wash did fit in with his angry world of apathy and ennui that he had managed to salvage for himself. Washington was familiar without being too painful, without being too irritating. It was comfortable to be able to wallow in misery with him. And at this point in his confused and muddled life, his own selfish comfort was all he wanted, all he needed. (end scene)

 

Some people might wonder what’s with me and all the gay porn about Church? It’s not that I think he’s gay or anything. A straight man can enjoy receiving anal sex without being gay. Just like homosexual man who doesn‘t enjoy receiving anal sex. Also, when I write things I hardly ever have a character who is strictly hetero or homo sexual. I think the lines of sexuality are more blurred than most people want them to be. Sex is sex, it has nothing to do with love. At least for me. It’s a biological process. I think orientation is more related to which gender you would prefer to build a life with in a monogamist relationship. Like, I’d let another girl do stuff to my lady parts and I’d return the favor, but I wouldn’t take her on a date. Honestly I probably wouldn’t even call her afterward. I can’t really see myself having a long term monogamist relationship with a woman. I’m rambling again, sorry. But yeah, that’s what I think. Also, I can’t imagine a lot of woman would want to have sex with a heroin junkie. But I could imagine a guy picking up a drug addicted male prostitute because he’s probably less likely to remember a specific person if you’re hiding your orientation or just for the fact that he’s probably cheaper than a healthier prostitute. Do I think Washington is gay? Not really. I mostly see him as a convenient plot device for my perversions. I do, however, think he cared for Epsilon and genuinely wanted to help him. I also think he was sort of a big softie that ended up callused because of all the shit he saw and was made to do.

As for the ending, I admit it was a little weird too. At first I wanted them to both angst about what their next move would be. I think I did alright with Washington. It took me a while to think about what to write for Church’s part. And I couldn’t think of any angst. Then it dawned on me that I didn’t need anymore angst. Church is probably full of angst, but I think it’s a lot of angst about very few things, the important ones I had already touched on. And I decided it would probably be more in character for him to be like, “Fuck this noise and Washington’s emotions, I’m out.” Because he’s sort of a selfish dick like that. Washington is all like, moraldilemmamoraldilemmamoraldilemmamoraldilemmamoraldilemma  
While Church would be all like, heroinheroinheroinheroinheroinheroinheroin.

There’s really only one other thing I can think of that I wanted to say about this story. As much as I love KMFDM, I listened to a lot of Garbage (it’s an actually band) while writing this. I’d say the songs Queer and Stroke of Luck were probably the two biggest inspirations for this story. I’m sure some people noticed that I used a line from Queer. At one point, Church says, “’you can touch me, if you want.’” Originally, I was going to name the story You Can Touch Me (if you want). But I didn’t feel it really fit with the overall motif I ended up striving for. I kept the line though because I thought it fit in well and I like putting references in my writing. Speaking of references the beginning of this note is a reference to the best book ever written called House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. It takes about 2,000 words to accurately describe it so you have to google that on your own time. Even if you hated everything about my story and hate me on a personal level I beg you to look it up. It will change your life.

I feel obligated to put the lyrics for Queer and Stroke of Luck despite the fact that lyrics are space eaters and page stretchers.

Queer:

Hey boy, take a look at me  
Let me dirty up your mind  
I'll strip away your hard veneer  
And see what I can find

The queerest of the queer  
The strangest of the strange  
The coldest of the cool  
The lamest of the lame  
The numbest of the dumb  
I hate to see you here  
You choke behind a smile  
A fake behind the fear  
The queerest of the queer

This is what he pays me for  
I'll show you how it's done  
You learn to love the pain you feel  
Like father, like son

The queerest of the queer  
Hide inside your head  
The blindest of the blind  
The deadest of the dead  
You're hungry 'cause you starve  
While holding back the tears  
Choking on your smile  
A fake behind the fear  
The queerest of the queer

I know what's good for you (You can touch me if you want)  
I know you're dying to (You can touch me if you want)  
I know what's good for you (You can touch me if you want)  
But you can't stop

The queerest of the queer  
The strangest of the strange  
The coldest of the cool  
The lamest of the lame  
The numbest of the dumb  
I hate to see you here  
You choke behind a smile  
A fake behind the fear

The queerest of the queer  
The strangest of the strange  
The coldest of the cool  
You're nothing special here  
A fake behind the fear  
The queerest of the queer

I know what's good for you  
I know you're dying to  
I know what's good for you  
I bet you're dying to

You can touch me if you want  
You can touch me if you want  
You can touch me  
You can touch me  
But you can't stop

Stroke of Luck:

Hanging by threads of palest silver (A/N I personally interpreted threads of palest silver as needles, like for shooting up)  
I could have stayed that way forever  
Bad blood and ghosts wrapped tight around me  
Nothing could ever seem to touch me

I lose what I love most  
Did you know I was lost until you found me?

Stroke of luck or gift from God?  
Hand of fate or devil's claws?  
From below or saints above?  
You come to me

Here comes the cold again  
I feel it closing in  
It's falling down  
And all around me, falling

You say that you'll be there to catch me  
Or will you only try to trap me?  
These are the rules I make  
Our chains were meant to break, you'll never change me

Here comes the cold again  
I feel it closing in  
You're falling down  
And all around me, falling

Stroke of luck or gift from God?  
Hand of fate or devil's claws?  
From below or saints above?  
You come to me now

Don't ask me why  
Don't even try

Oddly enough I first heard this song while I was in the middle of production for WBSSB. I thought it fit ridiculously well. 

What happens next:

It’s up to you. And I don’t mean that as in we’re having a vote and holding a debate. I mean it’s open ended. I never had any intention of making a continuation on these. They’re only loosely connected in the first place. Artistically I feel that open ends have more power to them as they make the reader think and making someone think leaves more of an impact. Also I want you to question your own moral compass in this. Ask yourself what you feel you would do in this situation and why. I’d love for you to give your answer in a review. What do I think would happen next? You’ll never know. I am however, open to writing a middle part where Church is just whoring around, angsting, and shooting up. If enough people are into the idea I’ll maybe give it a shot. No guarantees though. 

Do I have any ideas for more stories:

Yes. I sort of want to do a lulzy S&M femdom Tex/Church with Tucker trying to watch and not being sure whether to be aroused or disgusted. It would contain a lot of arguing between the two and a very confused Tucker. I would also like to do a variant on that idea where Tucker and Church are prison gay with masochist!Church and hesitant/overwhelmed!Tucker. Slowly Tucker starts to have a thing for Church, but then Tex shows up and Church is like, “fuck you, the woman who I’m obsessed with is here and she hits harder.” And Tucker will be sad. Why would I have masochist!Church after I wrote these two stories? I feel that, in order to date Tex, you’d have to be a bit of a masochist. I could see her as being very into being completely dominate in the bedroom. Or whatever room she wants to have sex in. She also openly admits to enjoy killing people and I think most people would agree that makes her a least a little bit of a sadist. I promise it won’t be nearly as hard in the torture department. It wouldn’t exactly be your standard BDSM porno, because I feel that you lose a lot of the effect if there is no bloodshed, but it will only have a few shallow cuts. I promise. I’d like to have more erotic asphyxiation, but I’m not sure how open everyone is to that idea. I think it would be a good element if Church asked Tucker to strangle him and Tucker would be completely freaked out. I only have two lines written for the idea in the back of my big notebook of perversions where all my notes and rough drafts are kept. 

“You can call me names, you know.”

“Can I say I think you’re beautiful?”

That’s written sideways at like a 60 degree angle on the back page along with a doodle about my college biology class, the words Dong Bag, and this is gay.


End file.
